From the minute I found out I was pregnant I was terrified. I questioned every thought, every feeling, every fear, and every decision. I didn’t know how to be a parent.
My parents failed me in that way. This is not a bash on them. They each had their own personal struggles. Life was not easy for either of them and looking back now my heart breaks for their journey in life. They wanted to love me. They tried. Neither of them could have ever given me the safe haven a child deserves because they never knew about self-care. They did not know how to love themselves, how to fill their souls with purpose, how to say “NO” when they needed to and “YES” when they wanted to.
That line on the pregnancy test for me brought up all of those feelings from my own childhood. How was I going to make sure my child NEVER had to question her worth like I had for so many years? How was I going to make sure she knew she was ALWAYS loved? I didn’t even know how to give these things to myself half the time and now I needed to give them to someone else. Someone who I prayed for; someone I was terrified to have.
We can overcome our pasts. We can rewrite our stories. Life is full of ups and downs and changes. We just have to commit to the journey. Becoming a mother has taught me that I am capable of so much more than I ever believed. Struggles with things that seem to come so naturally for others like making new friends, teaching my child how to process emotions, modeling what confidence looks like; become so much more obvious. But we also get to experience our broken childhoods all over again with light. We get to soak up the feelings of security and peace. We get to laugh and be silly. We get to love how we needed to be loved growing up and that fills a deep hole in our hearts
This would have never been possible if I had not decided I wanted my life to be different. Broken people raise broken children and I wanted to break the cycle. At a certain point in my life, everything came to a head and I chose a different path; but it was not without fear and discomfort. Some of my old relationships got better but I also lost a lot of friends. That happens when boundaries are set and change occurs. Rough waters bring us to peaceful places and having a child is one of the most beautiful views I have ever been privileged to see.
Thank you, my beautiful child, for showing me what unconditional love is. Thank you for allowing the hole in my heart to be filled with joy watching you become the person God intends you to be. Thank you for showing me that on the other side of paralyzing fear can be the most amazing gift. Thank you for showing me that I can be the mother you need; and the mother I always needed at the same time.
Parenting when you never had parental models can be hard. I am here to tell you that you can do it. You are beautiful and strong. You are worthy of this love and YOU my dear mama, you can change the trajectory of a child’s life by giving the love you so desperately needed. We really do receive the most when we give; even if we think we aren’t capable. You are. I promise.