She died before the boys were born. She was only 57 – the perfect age for a Grandma. I get physically ill when I think about what role my mother-in-law could have played in my boys’ lives: all the memories that they could have made, all the laughs they would have had and most importantly, all the love that they would have felt from her. But as they say, life isn’t fair. And on this one, my kids were robbed.
So began my quest to keep her “alive” in their minds. Admittedly, we are not avid churchgoers. But we do talk about God, Jesus and Angels with the kids. So we call her Grandma Angel. We tell them that her favorite color was purple, she never met an animal that she didn’t love, she loved to make trifles, and that if anyone farted, she would laugh so hard she cried. We show them the dolls and knick knacks we inherited from her house. Sometimes, just telling stories and showing pictures isn’t enough.
One year, we walked in her honor with my father-in-law and brother-in-law at a Diabetes Walk at the zoo. It seemed perfect on paper- she had suffered from diabetes and loved animals. But it didn’t feel right, so we didn’t do it again. The walk moved elsewhere the next year anyway.
We talked for months about getting a brass butterfly with her name on it for the Butterfly House at the zoo. Eventually, we did it. Now we have beautiful pictures, but have never seen it in person. Sometimes, life really gets in the way.
Purple Flowers and Cupcakes
Purple flowers and cupcakes work. They feel right for us and for her and as a bonus, the flowers last more than a few hours. Every year on Mother’s Day, I take the boys to buy purple flowers for Grandma Angel. They sit in the heart of our home – on our kitchen table. We do the same thing on the day that she died and on her birthday. On her birthday, we also get purple cupcakes.
The boys call them Grandma Angel’s flowers and Grandma Angel’s cupcakes. They know why they are purple and they think it is fun. Each time, they argue over what shade of purple or type of flower to get. Every birthday, and with all the seriousness in the world, they debate whether it is okay for a boy to eat a purple frosted cupcake (the .verdict is YES as long as there are no pink sprinkles.) I like to think the flowers last longer than flowers should, The best part though, is that during dinner on these heavy-hearted days, the boys ask a question or request a story about Grandma Angel. So we tell them, and we laugh.
Recently, on the night before kindergarten started, my not-so-little boy stopped me dead in my tracks as we talked about how he didn’t know anyone at his new school and whether he was scared. He admitted he was scared but told me that he wasn’t too worried because his Grandma Angel is always with him and can see him from heaven, even when he was at kindergarten. My eyes welled with tears and he added “and she’s probably carrying some purple flowers.”
The boys have never met their Grandma Angel, but her purple flowers and cupcakes leave her footprint in their hearts.
What traditions do you have that keep the spirit of a grandparent alive?
This sounds exactly like my story. 3 weeks before my daughter was born, my first child, my husband’s step mother had no children of her own, this was to be her 1st grandchild. She never saw her beautiful face. At age 57, she was accidentally killed by her horse which threw her off & stomped on her. Purple was a favorite color. Hummingbirds a favorite. I have been looking for a way to keep her memory for my daughter.
Ohh Jodie, I’m so sorry for your loss. In addition to your own sadness, there’s an additional heartache in knowing how much love there would have been. I hope you find something to keep her memory alive for your daughter.
This is such a great idea. I lost my mother unexpectedly when I was 23. She was only 59. She died before my brothers or myself got married and had kids. Its always been a struggle for me because I was the only girl. I currently have two daughters, a 2.5 y/o and a 1 month old. I often think of ways to teach them about my mom. I want them to know about their grandma and not just my husband’s mother. I love your way of celebrating your mother-in-law.
Thank you Cindy. I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine losing my own mother. Its really important to keep the memories alive for ourselves and our kids, especially when they never got to meet their Angel. I’m certain you will find something that works for your family and your babies will know all about their grandma.