In July my husband and I will celebrate our ten year wedding anniversary. TEN YEARS! At that point our only daughter will be one and a half years old. Yes, we spent eight and a half childless years together. Even more surprising is that was by design. I clarify this because often when people find out about the timeline of our lives they give a small sympathetic look or just blatantly ask about infertility issues. Because why would anyone spend so much time alone with a man?!
As I reflect on those eight, childless years, one thing stands out to me; no one really pestered me/us about kids. Well some did, but that was pretty early on and really quite mild. After a couple years with no baby I think most people just gave up or assumed we were having fertility issues.
But now that I’ve had a baby, it seems I’ve opened myself up for “So, when’s baby #2 coming?” and dozens of versions thereof. No exaggeration, someone said this to me my first week postpartum after a very difficult labor and delivery. Seriously?!
All kidding aside, this is a very uncomfortable question for me as I’m sure it is for many other women. With an uncomfortable question comes an uncomfortable response.
Here’s why you should think twice about asking about baby #2:
- Secondary Infertility. I think we’ve become more in-tune with primary infertility being a very lonely, indescribable pain that most women and couples grapple with in silence. However, we all seem to think that if you’ve successfully had one baby the rest will be no problem. That is a very wrong assumption. According to Resolve, the national infertile association, “Approximately 12 percent of women in the United States have secondary infertility, and it accounts for more than half of all infertility cases.” And on that note…
- Miscarriage. A subset of infertility but with it’s own brand of pain and loss. Even though some studies suggest that up to 25% of clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage, you will likely never know that the woman you’re asking about a second baby just suffered a miscarriage.
- Personal Finances. Our second largest monthly expense after our mortgage is daycare, and we have it cheaper than most! I have some friends whose daycare expense is in fact more than their mortgage for ONE child. This is a huge consideration for many families. For parents who need or want to continue working, having room in their budget for daycare and other baby expenses is important. And let’s not forget the costs to insure another person and the hospital bill after delivery – oye!
- Relationship Challenges. When people ask me about our secret to marriage success I feel a little bit like a fraud. Our “secret?” We’re both incredibly stubborn. Over our tenure together there have been some rough patches that lasted weeks, months, and at least one that lasted a year or more. Neither one of us was going to make the first move, be the one to throw in the towel. We became experts at arguing in the car on the way to a family function then getting out of the car and acting like everything was hunky-dory. On the brink of marriage failure the last thing anyone wants to discuss is procreation.
- Medical Reasons. Some parents in the process of conceiving and delivering their first discover genetic disorders or diseases that can be passed down to subsequent children. Or maybe they want to take some time to focus on their own health, eating better, or lose weight before growing the lovable chaos in their home. Or maybe a close family member is grappling with a medical issue and the family needs time to get through that before they can try for #2.
- She’s pregnant and not ready to tell you. Most women I know wait to share their big happy news until they reach the second trimester. Why? Because the risk of miscarriage drops dramatically. That means they walk around for 12 weeks not telling the one amazing thing that is probably consuming their every thought, move, eating choice. etc. When you ask about her baby-making plans you’re putting her in a very precarious position; to share something she doesn’t feel ready to share in a way she didn’t plan on and doesn’t have control over, OR she has to lie to your face. Those aren’t exactly big happy news-sharing feelings.
- “One and done!” Believe it or not, some people choose to have just one child. Some people choose to have none. Some people like my cousin choose to have six children. Frankly, anyone’s family planning and bedroom life other than your own is none of your business. Period.
To anyone reading this that has asked me this question please don’t take this as a call for an apology or public criticism. I’ve moved on, or, we had a very long and heartfelt conversation about it which is your queue that our friendship is such that you could ask. But for everyone else, please think twice before your question opens fresh wounds or uncomfortable conversations.
Has anyone ask you this question? How did you respond?
